Demonizing Inanimate Objects for Fun & Profit

The President was badly bloodied, but survived the attack to joke with reporters that, "I'm lucky that I was hit in the head - it's obviously the toughest part of me!"

The president's press secretary Felix Fraidie was not so fortunate. After ricocheting off of the presidential cranium, the deadly ceramic projectile beaned Mr. Fraidie in the noggin and effectively turned him - and his entire family - into vegetables.

I know. I am Felix' wife Farrah. While my hubby was turned into a rutabaga by the incident, I was made into a kumquat. The kids, I am sad to say, have become beets. In short, our lives have been ruined. Other than the millions of tax exempt dollars that an unsuspecting public pours into our so-called "non-prophetic organization," we have no income or tangible assets.

Teenage hoodlums, particularly those of minority extraction, are known to leave the inner cities from time to time for no other purpose than to steal bricks from building sites in the developing suburbs. Bricks obtained in such a way are invariably used to commit further crimes.

An incident in Little Rock, Arkansas should illustrate my point: A common construction brick with a peice of notepaper wrapped around it was thrown through the plate glass window of a famous restaurant run by a clown with golden arches. The note said simply, "You deserve a brick today." Five thousand people were killed in the incident. Countless others were crippled, maimed and left emotionally scarred for life. The window itself cost seven hundred dollars, three colas and a large order of fries to replace.

More frightening than the deliberate use of bricks as tools of destruction is the horror of a brick falling into the hands of an innocent child! In vacant lots across amerika, children find bricks discarded by careless masons or common criminals. With no brick safety classes being taught in our schools children have no idea of what to do. "Toy" bricks made of soft foam and cartoons showing little or no ill effect from the careless misuse of bricks lead our children to think it's "funny" to smack their playmates in the head with a real brick. The results can be tragic.

Our solution here at Brick Control, Inc. is simple; we want to remove every brick in amerika by the year 1997.

Step two consists of weaseling ourselves even more deeply into the political graft and corruption known as the "good-'ol-boy" system. Campaign contributions, luncheons and dinner parties are not considered bribes by the status quo. Pro-brick groups, such as the powerful and incredibly evil National Trowel Association spend zillions of dollars every day to woo politicrats. We need your money to fight back in the same manner!

As long as we are capable of supplying more cash to candidates than the "brick nuts," we have a chance of achieving our goal.

Thanks to our efforts - and your financial support - there are now waiting periods of up to two weeks for persons buying bricks in many police states. Furthermore, we have successfully passed a bill that makes it illegal for anyone in amerika to build with, or otherwise possess or use, bricks made in Europe or Asia. This is, as chairman Mao said, "a great leap forward."